Living for Me

TRIGGER WARNING: MENTIONS OF SUICIDAL THOUGHTS

Shervie Ulibas

ENG 270B

May 12, 2020

FD4

Word Count: 1610

Chained by my mistakes and lonesome past; I sat lifelessly before the blackened water of the ever vicious sea. Never in my whole life have I ever experienced living for my own sake. Not once have I truly cared enough about myself to release my being from situations that threatened my happiness. [THESIS] Though as time progressed and that darkened water that once seethed through my skin gained its blue color back. I too have been awakened by the light of an eternal sunrise that saved me from my greatest despair and opened my eyes to my true worth. [THESIS]

The delicate glow of the golden moon pierces through the thin yellow curtains of my bedroom window as the city outside hums rather softly. It was another lonesome night and although the trees seem to sway joyfully along with the chilly breeze of January; the emotions and thoughts that are currently running through the course of my being are nothing of the sorts. It has been an exhausting week. All of my friends have forgotten about my existence as they continuously ignored all of my attempts of starting a conversation. Whenever they have decided to send a text through our group chat; it is only ever directed to certain individuals that do not include me. To say the least; I was yet again being excluded for doing absolutely nothing.

This was not the first time that they have all purposely disregarded my presence for it happens almost every month and although it has taken a mental and emotional toll on me. The fear of losing every single one of them weighs more than my need of confronting their hurtful behaviors. It has gotten to the point that I would let them walk all over me and treat me as if I was their doormat to save myself from the utter pain of having the people that I care about walk out of my life completely.

The mere thought of not having anyone else but myself scares me to the core for the very notion of waking up to different dawns with the fact that I will be forced to live this already burdensome life by myself causes a woeful storm within the pit of my stomach.

“I wish I could just disappear and not be here anymore,” I whispered against the dark.

Without my knowledge; warm tears soon started trickling down my cheeks as my chest grew tighter. “It’s not like I matter to anyone, I’m just a placeholder,” I say to myself in between sobs.

Altogether the city outside of my window seemed to have ceased its humming and my surroundings felt like it was still. The soft rustling of leaves that could be heard before had dispersed and all that remained was my quiet cries. As I am held brutally by the calloused hands of melancholy, these intoxicating morbid thoughts have risen from the midst of this dreadful night, poisoning every crevice of my brain and painting the image of my inevitable death with a new profound beauty. It has convinced me that the withering of my very existence will finally set me free from all of the pain and sorrow. And in all honesty, I have been craving to make this exact concept turn into reality.

While I lay beneath my ceiling with endless tears escaping my eyes and the pictures of the scenes that would take place when the coming of my demise occurs playing in my mind, my phone that laid upon my bedside table played my text tone. I swiftly grabbed the device from its place and checked to see who had messaged me. A weary smile instantly found its way to be drawn across my chapped lips as I read the contact name and the notification.

Mia:

[AHH I just woke up and I saw ur tweets. Are u okay? 😦 u know u can always come to Alice and I if u wanted to vent, we’re always here for u even if our timezone sucks]

I quickly type a reply while I wore the same weary smile upon my lips.

Me:

[don’t worry abt me, i think i’ll be fine. i always find a way to be okay haha, thank you for checking up on me tho 😦 ilysm]

Not even a single minute passed and my phone had already displayed a response.

Mia:

[I knew u were gonna say that, so I’m just gonna say this. Whatever you’re going through, I know you’re gonna overcome it in due time. Don’t force yourself too much to feel okay, take all the time u need to recollect ur thoughts and emotions. I can’t promise that it’s all gonna be better tomorrow or even the day after that, but if u just let time do its thing and take away ur pain little by little, you’ll soon forget abt whats making u sad. Also, pls know that u can talk to us if u need it, I hate seeing u sad :(]

Reading those words on my screen caused the heavy feeling within my chest to disappear and my smile to grow bigger as it was refreshing to see that for once, I was being genuinely comforted by someone that I wholeheartedly cherish despite the daunting distance that stands between us.

Me:

[what if i told you, i wanted to disappear from the face of the earth? what if i no longer want to live anymore?]

This time, it took quite some time before I received a notification from her. My palms began to sweat fiercely while my heartbeat against my ribcage vigorously. This is the first I have ever been this vulnerable with someone, let alone to a person who I became friends with through Twitter.

After what felt like an eternity, my phone played my text tone, indicating that Mia had replied.

Mia:

[Oh, hell no. I don’t know what I would do if u werent a part of my life. You mean so much to me and I feel so weird not talking to u even for just a day. Meeting u is something I’m grateful for bcos u honestly bring so much light not only to my life but to Alice’s as well. I’m sure there are a lot of ppl whose lives would never be the same again if u didnt exist. We all have bad days, but I promise you, they are not permanent. Good days will always outweigh the bad. So please don’t think that way, we’re here for u. Better days are coming for u I just know it]

Mia:

[I know I can’t keep telling you that things will get better, but please try to find a little bit of hope and happiness during times like this]

The numbing arms of the rather cold evening embrace my entity as I stare at my phone screen with a blurrier vision than before due to tears welling up in my eyes yet again. The delicate glow of the moon was soon replaced with a brighter tone while I scanned through those heart-wrenching words once more to ensure that I am not imagining this exact moment. Who would have thought that I would find safety and comfort within an individual I have never met in person before and have only see through mere video calls? Who would have thought that my existence plays an important role in someone’s life? I have never even heard of those type of sentences leave the mouths of the people around me, but it is being said by someone who lives thousands of miles away from me at this moment. Mia’s encouragement and reassurance instantaneously gave me hope to fight through bitter tomorrows. It immediately eliminated every pessimistic thought that poisoned my mind tonight.

Taking a deep breath, it took everything in me to conjure something coherent as a response to her.

Me:

[thank you so much. i really can’t express how much those words mean to me. i’d die for you omg i don’t even know where to begin to explain how much you mean to me]

The next message that Mia had sent is the very reason for my constant need to turn horrible days into a much more bearable one.

Mia:

[Why don’t you live for me instead?]

It was at that stage that I became so much more aware of my worth and significance. It only took that response to make me realize that I did not need to stay in any type of relationship that made me feel inferior to them. If I had completely ignored Mia’s message and proceeded to wallow in my sadness, I would not have a clue of what it truly feels like to be cared about; to be seen and heard. Much like the conception of having friends that showed their love for me, it was such a rare occurrence to witness the rays of the moon burn ever so brightly at a time like this.

The days that followed this incident was painful, for I had finally gained the courage to cut off my friends and set myself free from the chains of their damaging behaviors. Though, as Mia had told me, better days are finding their way to me and sure enough. After I endured hurtful loss for weeks, the faithful tomorrows finally arrived where I was able to take full breaths. I no longer felt suffocated and restrained. I am at long last living for me and the people who truly treasure my existence.